:Something Intelligent: Blog

As time progresses and I round closer to two years working full time for the same company, I am oftentimes approached by family members, coworkers, and friends who like to ask what generally equates to the same question, “feeling a little more settled down yet?” Generally this is followed up with a little narrative about their own experiences about going into married life, finding a house, and a steady job– maybe even some babies. I’ve never taken this question lightly, and every time I hear it, I give it some thought. You see, society seems to be telling me, and other men or women in my position, that I’m closer to the American dream than people ten or twenty years older. A young man home at a steady and well paying job with potential to move up the rungs of the corporate ladder, ripe for the time where everyone might very well expect a baby or two after the soon-to-arrive marriage in August.

Every Sunday I attend a adult Sunday School class that talks on various subjects within relationships, or most recently, how better to recognize our spouse’s “love language” and better understand how to communicate and make the other happy. This class is written as being a sort of primer for engaged or recently married couples, but this isn’t really the case as me and the misses are the only engaged couples in the group. Atop that, we don’t seem to have the children (yes, plural) that the rest of the married couples have. This isn’t to say I’m criticizing the class, or the people therein, but it simply feels as though a very specific and widely populated demographic has disappeared from the face of this Earth. I’m talking of course of the younger couples not yet married but perhaps with plans. Where are they? I certainly can’t find them. Perhaps they are off pursuing the aforementioned “American Dream.” There seems to be that otherworldly push towards men and women my age that says, “If you aren’t married, engaged, or on your way to trying to settle down with a kid and house, you won’t be happy or successful.”

I don’t want to settle down– and I’m not marrying a woman who wants to settle me in any matter. While I enjoy my gainful employment, I don’t feel much holding me to this apartment or city.

I was recently asked by a coworker, “Jared, why do you go to China and stuff anyway? What’s there you can’t have here?”

I can’t begin to explain to you how dumbstruck I found myself at this simple question. A million thoughts raced my mind– ranging from condescending to polite. I wanted to launch into a narrative of the thing’s I’ve seen traveling abroad, or how I never feel as alive as when I’m walking the streets of a foreign city simply listening to and watching the people walking by me. I opened my mouth to speak but simply lowered my head. I’ve had questions like this before, and each time I try to tackle the subject I end up inadvertently hurting someone’s feelings.

Why do I go? Well…why not? What’s stopping me? What adventure is left in a world when I can communicate in real time with someone on the other side of the world? There are few mysteries left on this Earth that we haven’t explored or already ruined. I’m a Geographer– it’s not about exploring something new or hidden, but finding the connections under your nose that that are never given the time of day. Exploration and adventure now are rarely about nature or excavation, but the billions of people who call this planet home.

At the end of the day though, how do you explain that? The question posed earlier presumes they are quite happy with their location and lot in life– having answered that very same question for themselves years prior. If you’re only looking so far as the State, or Country you live in, how willing are they to think outside that box?

Leaving a job is dangerous. It’s an uncertain world. Guaranteed employment is a luxury a lot of people don’t have– why would someone willingly admit that it doesn’t mean all that much to them? I enjoy having a roof over my head, a meal in my stomach, and even this computer by which to fill this blog– but it is by no means the end all to what I have yet to see in my life. I’m a cautious person but I am very receptive to open doors in my life that have been moving me place to place like a leaf in the wind. I sometimes wonder if it’s a lack of patience that seemingly forces people to slow down and settle in place– or if they genuinely follow the same pattern I do, leading them to what I might otherwise consider a pretty boring existence.

Why do I go places “and stuff?” Because it shapes me. Seeing and understanding all walks of life turns me into a more understanding and knowledgeable person. I might have graduated college, but I never stopped learning– I never sat down one day and decided that I wanted my education to stop with that degree. I never wanted college to stop– and money willing, I’d still be there right now if I could. This is how I find truth and meaning in life. Even though I am not making home or residence overseas right now, don’t for a second believe I’m not thinking about it and planning for it in watching for those open doors.
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When I chat with folks it is not uncommon at some point that I will mention either jokingly or passingly about a “tragic” or “mortal” flaw. It’s a concept I’ve always thought was pretty fun– and in all honesty, usually pretty spot-on when discussing the human condition. I first heard it mentioned in reading the works of Shakespeare. In typical and predictable fashion, an errant English teacher (or professor) is bound to ask you or the class, “So, having read this, what do you think Hamlet’s tragic flaw is?” It’s always something. Sometimes it’s a character’s unyielding stubbornness– or oftentimes an issue of pride or too much trust in an individual(s). In Shakespeare’s case, a tragic flaw meant in the end you were going to die.

While my life is anything but a Middle English drama– or ridden with impulsive and passionate persona’s intertwining themselves in a life doomed to an end by tragic means, I would have to say I kind of agree with this whole business of tragic flaws. That said, my tragic flaw would have to be what this very entry is entitled, “Stress.”

I have a strong admiration for ducks. Ducks are, in a word, those who can with little or no effort dip then head in the same water as the rest of us, and let it roll off their backs harmlessly. They do this admist what I can tell to be a sea of countless others similar to myself who are splashing noisily and in uncoordinated manner to keep from going under. All the while I am reaching a toe deeper and deeper into the murky depths trying to find but a mount of wet dirt by which to stand and regain my strength. Ducks commonly offer good advice, but only useful for those getting a feeling for what it’s like to be a duckling. In short, I am not a duck. I do not lament the fact, but admire those who retain this amazing ability. It seems like life might very well be infinitely easier if I had this ability. No complaints, this is who I am.

The issue is I have little in the way of coping with stress– and I only encounter true stress in one facet of my life.

I was in part raised to believe that corporate America was a busy land full of people who not only find fulfillment in jobs of which they are qualified, but move ever closer to that errant American Dream of making it (relatively) big. I never shared a fondness of the typical American Dream, but I had always imagined finding a job by which I could feel fulfilled at the end of the day. I was, in part, younger then than I am now– if only one or two years separates then from now. The first year of my gainful employment found me in constant promotion– every day I was reminded of how valuable my work was at keeping the company on the step up. I saw, through various means, the fruits of my labor and made a name for myself quite quickly– being called at one point an “Ace” (a term granted on those few who seemed to pick up just about everything thrown their way.)

I find myself now at the steppes before a new mountain. With a quick and abrupt shift of management I lost both my upward momentum and my previous supervisor. I found myself suddenly holed into a spot I have little chance of advancing from in the coming year, and working repetitive if not confusing tasks in the guise of procedure, documentation, and above all else, metrics on how I spend my time. Few and far between am I reminded how important I am to the company, but how necessary it is that I work more hours than is expected of me and without the added motivation of any inkling of comp time. I am surrounded by similar employees caught in the same situation. Morale is at an all time low, and we are accomplishing less and less each day as the work load continues to grow heavier and heavier.

I am, in a word, stressed. I am often unable to release the day’s worries when I return home, and instead occupy myself in the same tasks as usual but with the ghost of an idle thought running through my head about how to improve my situation. My past supervisor told me that work is a long-term relationship, and that sometimes one must only hold strong and try to weather the storm. I hold a somewhat pragmatic view that things must get worst before they get better– but I am not one to assume that I deserve what is happening. I am young, and I am smart. I carry an edge in this battle that lets me pick up new skills and advance my knowledge much quicker than others in the field. I refuse to accept this casted role.

However, at the end of the day it’s those words of affirmation, or the lack there of, that really wear me down. I like knowing I am appreciated. I like knowing someone notices how much heart I pour into my work. I loathe finishing a task only to hear they need it quicker and cheaper. I need a quicker and cheaper car too, but an employee is hardly an investment if you aren’t going to look after them.

That said, I need effective means by which to void my stress at the end of the day. I am not of the mind that simply leaving will solve the issue as I am inclined to think that this sort of stress will follow me, in some form, the rest of my life. I ask you, the reader, how do you deal with stress? I am finding already that writing helps immensely.

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Such as my body, or even the human body in general. For example: Before October of last year for about a nine to ten month stint I woke up approximately fifteen minutes before my alarm would go off in the morning. This is a rough estimate, but suffice to say that while I set my alarm for 7:10 a.m. every morning, I would consistently and reliably wake up at 6:45 to 6:50 a.m. each morning that alarm was set. This would give me time to do things like take a shower, get some breakfast, do a little ironing, and get off on my way to work. On the more difficult days (-20 below outside or some such) I could lay under the comfort of my sheets for a good fifteen minutes before throwing away the blanket and making a bee-line for the warmth of a steaming shower.

After last October, and subsequently my trip to and return from China, this hasn’t worked at all. I spend every morning scattered and wandering about my apartment, looking desperately for the receipt so that I might return this body for something less broken. When I set the alarm for 7:10 a.m. I’m waking up at 7:10 a.m. when that cell phone goes off and I’m slapping the nightstand next to me in an effort to stop the beeping. I then usually quite literally roll out of bed, lift myself off the floor, and stumble into the shower. If undisturbed I’ll usually sleep soundly till 11:00– oftentimes nearly sleeping 11 or 12 hours straight.

I’m not depressed so much as I can tell– nor am I having a baby. I’m not running a marathon each day, or doing much more than going to the monotony of work. The home bubble to car bubble to work bubble to car bubble to home bubble drags on me pretty heavy at some points, but I don’t foresee having the power to change that anytime soon. I simply don’t understand why I seem so broken lately.

In typical fashion I have a few more projects that I’m working on that will reach some form of completion soon. I’ve been doing a lot of stress management lately and trying to find those parts of my life which really are making me lose hair prematurely– and cutting them at the source. While it sounds horrible, a healthy amount of apathy helps quite a bit in some aspects of stress management. Some of the things that help me best manage my stress are these projects– that is to say, a few thing’s I’ll unveil in the foreseeable future.

Until then, share any insight on how I can correct and restore normal body function to this ailing mortal coil.

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Once again, it is time for Ruminations with Sam. Today’s subject: do young people such as myself and my peers expect too much from life too quickly? Has Dungeons and Dragons trained us to be like this? The answers to those questions and more!

The origins of train of thought lie within a brief conversation I had regarding the early levels of Dungeons and Dragons. Chiefly, they go by far too quickly from a certain standpoint. Most of the iconic monsters are balanced around low level threats - goblins, orcs, ogres, and so on. It’s an exciting level range too - even that puny kobold is a foe worth his salt and the full range of tactics mean a lot more than at higher levels where magical gear and spells can overcome them with their brute force. Every level is meaningful - second level doubles your hit points, the third increases them by 50%, and so on. 2nd level gets you your first skill synergies, but third your feats and spellcasting start picking up there too. What’s not to like?

Well, nothing, aside from being one critical hit (or less) away from instant, glory, permanent death. You don’t get anything cool like Abu-Dazim’s Horrid Wilting, a Holy Avenger, or quadruple weapon specialization. For the players that like to create detailed class progressions, the low levels are about ticking off prerequisites that will unlock some powerful combination later.

So this discussion led to the vague idea that the lower levels of Dungeons and Dragons ought to feel a little different - the first couple of levels shouldn’t increase power quite that significantly, so the classic “feel” of the game doesn’t diminish as quickly. At the same time, low level characters should be less mortal and have cooler things to do.

This of course leads into Life Expectations. As young persons, we are expected to do all sorts of sorts in relatively quick succession. Pick an educational field (and institution too, for those of us less prone to picking arbitrarily - Sam, I’m looking at you), a career path, a place to live, a person to marry, get started on saving for a house, retirement, etc. It seems, at least to me that young people are in a fairly busy state of life, insofar as making life-long decisions go.

As this post has been written intermittently for about two hours, I’ve more or less lost the train of thought. I realize that it would be quite foolish of me to claim youth is the only time of life where a lot of different worries and concerns press down on a person. It may not even be the most strenuous but hey, its what I know and I gotta stick to it.

Ah there is the tenuous connection I had previously forgotten - if young people have all of these important things going on, what happens to them when/if things slow down a few years down the line? Turn 18, pick a college. Turn 20, pick a field. Turn 22, get a job and a career. Turn 26 (24 if you are a woman, on average) and get married. What happens when you turn 30? 40? Is there some kind of lingering feeling of something being missing once life’s major decisions get made? Is that the stuff that the mid-life crisis is made of? Who knows?

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